Performing Positive Masculinity

On September 28th 2014, Reedies assembled in Vollum Lounge to discuss examples of nonviolent masculinity and other issues of consent. All the examples or suggestions are just that, examples or suggestions that are always up for critique and discussion. This is the beginning of an ongoing process. You could think of the following notes as talking points. These notes have been filtered/organized by David ‘16 and Anika ‘15, and edited by Quest Editor Will Jones ‘16.

What do you do when you make an offensive comment and someone approaches you about it?

First, apologize. Don’t argue with someone about their right to take offense. Sometimes it’s best to delve into the criticism later and let it steep for a while.

If you are confused about why they were offended, make an effort to educate yourself. But don’t ask someone to explain themselves, let them initiate. Remember, it is not the responsibilities of marginalized communities to educate oppressors. Asking someone to explain your oppressive comment can be pressuring, tokenizing, and exhaustive.

If you are the offended person and feel comfortable and wish to explain why the comment is offensive, please do.

So, when someone calls you out for saying something offensive, you could say, “Oh sorry I said that fucked up thing/joke/remark/comment. Thank you for letting me know. I didn’t know it was offensive. I know it’s not your responsibility to educate or correct me but I appreciate it. If you’d like to talk about this more, let me know. I am trying to work on learning more about these things.”

If you have grown from the experience, you could consider thanking the person who called you out.

What are positive (non-patriarchal) ways to act in the Classroom/Conference?

Watch how others participate or react to you. Use their reactions as feedback for how helpful your comments were. Listen to others and respond to them rather than always introducing your own ideas.

Use I statements. I statements are statements that accept responsibility for the feeling rather or acknowledge that you are speaking for your own experience. An example of the former types would be “I am confused by what you just said. Could you clarify what you mean by ________?” rather than “What you just said made no sense, obviously the text says ___.” An example of the former would be “I think the author of this text is trying to convey a critique of the social structure in 17th century Spain.” In this way, you are speaking from your own experience.

Use clarifying questions genuinely, not as a tactic to tear someone down.

Keep track of how often you speak and how often others speak. Use pauses to let others/shyer folk talk; you may feel that long silences are awkward, but they are really valuable to some shyer people in conference as places where they can break into the conversation. If the pauses are larger than Odysseus’s ego, then maybe pose questions to the class rather than filling the silence with your own thoughts.

Take responsibility for your behavior in conference. Don’t use sleep deprivation or over caffeination as an excuse for your mess-ups or domination in conference.

What are positive ways to act in the Classroom/Conference when talking about sensitive topics such as rape in Ovid?

Bring up sensitive topics bluntly but gently.With Ovid, maybe say: “this is a series of rape stories.” It is validating to bring up the content of such stories, instead of ignoring rape as an issue to talk about; when you talk about something you are implicitly saying this topic is worth talking about. To ignore something is to say it’s not worth talking about. Be aware that most likely sexual violence has affected someone in your conference. Be aware that only acknowledging oppressive acts as tropes, metaphors, and devices minimizes similar situations.

Don’t play devils advocate or victim blame. The rapist is always to blame; they take advantage of someone’s vulnerability. Being vulnerable does not entitle someone else to someone else’s body.

Don’t make jokes. Really be aware these topics are sensitive.

Talk to your professor about how to handle a problematic text before conference on the text. This conversation may include trigger warnings. Be ready for a whole range of responses from professors as trigger warnings are currently a hotly contested topic in academia.

What are positive ways to act when Flirting?

Ask yourself if you are treating people like people rather than objects with sexual ends.

Be aware of social cues and nonverbal no’s. Nonverbal no’s can be crossed arms or legs, headphones in, reading, lack of eye contact, or a one-sided conversation.

Give people easy exits—socially and physically. For physical exits, give the person plenty of room talk walk away; don’t corner them or isolate them. For social exits, give the other person the opportunity to chose to reciprocate interest or back out. For example, you could ask the person “I’m going to go to Homer’s, do you want to go too?” or “I’m going to Homer’s. Maybe we’ll see each other later?”

Be cautious when using euphemisms.  If someone asks you, “Do you wanna go to my dorm and watch TV?” that doesn’t mean they want to hook up with you. Clear communication is crucial.

What are positive ways to interact Post-Hook-Up?

Treat them like a real normal person. Make eye contact and say hello when you see them. Don’t ignore them.

Be clear about boundaries. Bring up boundaries before the hook-up ends or before you split up in the morning. This could mean agreeing upon what expectations you have about seeing them again, or what level of intimacy you are looking for during and beyond the hook-up. For example, you might say afterward, “Hit me up if you’d like to do this again,” or “Hey, I’d like us to just be friends.” Ask your partner how they feel, and make sure to respect their desires.

What are positive ways to accept “No”’s?

First, realize no’s won’t always be direct: No’s can be nonverbal; No’s can be shown in a lack of attention/interest; No’s can be shown if someone makes excuses without offering alternatives. So, be aware of body language, give easy outs for people because it can be hard to say no, and give your partner opportunities to initiate.

For example, say you are at an SU Dance with someone and you ask, “Hey, wanna go back to my dorm or call it a night?” If they respond by saying, “Uh. I dunno, I need to wake up really early tomorrow,” they probably aren’t interested.

However, if they respond with, “Uh, I dunno, I need to wake up really early tomorrow but what’re you doing tomorrow night?” then they may be interested!

If you are unsure of how a person feels about hanging out with you, ask them.   One way of doing this would be to say, “Hey, I’m not sure what’s been going on. Did you still wanna hang? No worries if you don’t. I want to know where we stand and respect your wants.”

What are nonviolent ways to ask for consent?

Consider the language you use. Using the phrasing “would you like to…” rather than “can I …” moves away from thinking about the person as an object, and towards thinking about them as people with their own desires and agency. Alternatively, the phrasing “how would you feel about…” starts a conversation that goes a little beyond “yes” or “no,” potentially giving the person an easier out if they aren’t sure they want to. Also, asking questions like “can I touch your butt or would that be weird?” is good since it can normalize your partner’s potential feeling of weirdness.

Be direct and specific when asking for consent. If you are going to use euphemism should be happy with euphemism: If you ask, “Hey, wanna go back to my dorm and watch Twin Peaks?” be okay with just watching Twin Peaks.

Use open questions to make room for there to be other options besides you suggestions. For example, you could ask, “What would you like me to do?”, “Where did you want this to go?”, or “Did you want to keep this at making out or go further?”

Ask what they would like you to do for them. For example, ask them, “Can I do anything for you?” The sexual encounter does not have to end after ejaculation.

Take the initiative and open the conversation about protection. There are a lot of really important questions to ask, such as, “What kind of protection do you like to use?” and “When was the last time you were tested?” Don’t assume your partner doesn’t care if they don’t bring this up.

Let them know that there aren’t any consequences for not wanting or not being comfortable with something. You could say, “We don’t have to have to if you don’t wanna. I really want this experience to be consensual please feel free to let me know what you want and don’t.” This can take some pressure off which may prevent them from otherwise expressing their discomfort. However, be sure to still look for nonverbal “no’s”.

This is just the beginning of the conversation. Build an inner dialogue with yourself, talk with your peers, but do not pressure your peers to educate you. There are on campus resources to help you learn. See the SAPR Educators (bmurrayb@reed.edu, kaddae@reed.edu, cmedinam@reed.edu), Safer Sex Society (safer.sex.reed@gmail.com), and XXX (andersee@reed.edu). See the library (Summit and ILL are your friends), The women’s center and MRC have books too.