Reedies tussle for cement bird on lawn in front of Eliot. Hoot hoot! Photo taken by Staff Photographer Bri Dobson.
This is a satirical piece and not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings (but I still hate you MMA)
’Twas a classic tale of David and Goliath, except Goliath poured cougar piss on everyone and David lost. After their crushing defeat in last year’s Owl Fight, Reed MMA scraped together a victory this year against the scrappy yet tenacious White Russian krew last Friday, April 1. In the 3.5 hour battle, the valiant White Russian team of only 8.5 people (puked and) rallied against MMA’s large group and eventually the rest of the student body, who joined MMA once it was clear who would win the fight (see “The Car Dilemma”).
The Russian’s demise was fated from the beginning, when Community Safety’s forcefield of evil prevented their chariot from parking near the locality. Now officially referred to as “The Car Dilemma,” MMA’s Kraigslist Kruiser (it is rumored their car was bought on Craigslist for $900 for the sole purpose of this fight) rushed to the Eliot lawn immediately after the owl drop. Before the Cizzos could force them to move their car, the driver ran away with the keys, which, I admit, was a sly move on their part. Minutes later, the Russian’s Toyota pickup drove across the lawn from Woodstock, only to be halted at the hands of Gary Granger, who forced Sam Aldape, the driver, to park on the sidewalk, at least 20 feet from the owl. The Russian was never able to recover from this Achilles’ Heel, its members knowing that winning was unlikely without a motor vehicle nearby.
Throughout the fight, MMA organizers Daniel Timbie and Connor Resnick spent most of the time in, around, and on top their car while their minions did the actual fighting. However, about one hour in, Timbie warned the crowd that cougar urine was coming, quickly pouring the piss over everyone on top of the owl. However, sophomore Georgia Wong retaliated, grabbing the pee jar out of Timbie’s hand and pouring it back on him, Resnick, and the trunk of the car. The scent of ammonia overpowered the stink of BO briefly, leaving the whole circle quite damp and seriously smelly.
Cole Teller, Zeus Smith, and Eira Nylander were among MMA’s top competitors. On the White Russian side, self-proclaimed “curl bro” Dustin Weinreb miraculously kept his shirt on for the entirety of the fight, which, for Weinreb, is a victory in itself. Sam Aldape and Aaron Till confused the crowd throughout, with fighters regularly dropping f-bombs on Till when it was really Aldape, and vice versa. Addison Bates displayed impressive grit throughout, continuing to fight through a bleeding septum piercing and an injured finger.
The Russian’s final tactic was simply body weight, with at least five team members lying on the owl at any one point. The underdogs held their ground until approximately 11:45 p.m., when in a scuffle MMA gained the upper hand, hoisting the bird into the truck and scurrying away, leaving only their tail lights in sight.
I proclaim that next year, when Rugby will likely join the fight again, we all group together to overcome the macho, gym-going meatheads of this school once and for all! Down with MMA!! Down with Rugby!!! WHITE RUSSIAN FOREVER!!!!